Hard words to say when you're sober:

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

Hard words to say when you're drunk:

Thanks but I don't want sex
I don't want another drink
Good evening officer
Sorry, you're not good looking enough for me

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

Buddha walks into a bar and orders a pint. The landlord pours him a drink and says, "That'll be £2.80."

Buddha hands him a tenner and waits. And waits. Minutes pass and Buddha asks: "Oi, where's my change?"

The landlord replies: "Change must come from within."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says: "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut? " 

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says: "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says: "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says: "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.

"He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says: "Your house!"

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through his pecker.

A doctor is talking to his patient: "The results of your last test are conclusive," he says.

"You've got two months to live."

"Oh, my God," says the patient. "Is there anything I can do?"

"You could try a lot of mud baths," says the doctor.

"And will that cure me?" asks the patient.

"No," says the doctor, "but it will help you get used to lying in the ground."

A man goes into a bar and says: "I'd like something tall, icy and full of gin."

The barman turns and shouts in the kitchen: "Hey, Tracey! Someone to see you!"

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.

As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says: "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."