Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.  A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.  When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynaecologist."

Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

A. It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.

A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day so we could travel together.

After my examination, the doctor said: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you  would like to discuss with me?"

"I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining my wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time: "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old git!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

TWO old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said: "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said: "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said: "I want 5 loaves."

She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get
to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"

He replied: "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this
Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

A Teacher is sat teaching a class of 6 year olds. she's reading them the story of the three little pigs. when she comes to the part where the little  pig asks the farmer for some straw.

"Please can I have some straw to build a house with" the pig said, then suddenly the teacher stops looks round the class and says: "So what do you think the farmer said children?"

All of a sudden little Tommy puts his hand in the air and says: "Bloody hell it's a talking pig."

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."