AN OLD cowboy goes to a bar and orders a drink. As he sits sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him.
She turns to the cowboy and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replies: "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She replies: "I'm a lesbian, I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sit sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sits down the other side of the old cowboy and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replies: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A GUY is 67 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say:"Pick me up." 

He looked around and could not see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again:"Pick me up."  

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. The man said: "Are you talking to me?"  

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.  Pick me up.  Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure than you have ever dreamed of."  

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.  

Then the frog said: "What, are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."  

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said: "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."  

A MAN goes to see his GP.

"You must help me Doctor," he says, "I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and even talking ducks ......what should I do?"

"Don't worry," replies the Doctor. "You're just having Disney spells."

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,

 "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A BLONDE, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

A MAN is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner.

He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.