A DRUNK was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You a***hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

Q. WHAT kind of key opens the door at Christmas?

A. A turkey

 

A MAN walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny," replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the bartender.

"Because he's my newt!"

 

A blonde decides to start up a chicken farm, so she buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later, she returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and she's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.

"I think I know where I'm going wrong," she tells the dealer,
"I'm planting them too deep."

 

Q. WHEN does a cart come before a horse?

A. In the dictionary