UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

 

DRESS CODE

 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary

If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

SICK DAYS

 

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.  

 

PERSONAL DAYS

 

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

Saturday & Sunday.

 

RESTROOM USE

 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

 

LUNCH BREAK

 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

Have a nice week!

 

THE  MANAGEMENT