A college professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation....powerful tool.

A man goes to the doctors and says he is fed up with his wife because she keeps eating and putting on weight.
The doctor tells him to go home and ask his wife to get some exercise and to run three miles every morning and three miles every evening.

He said: "By the end of the week she'll be 42 miles away." 

"Mr Jones, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife €775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said.

"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few euro myself,"

There are three budgies in a cage...which one owns the cage?

The one at the bottom - because the other two are on higher perches!

A man finds a genie in a bottle and is offered three wishes.

First he asks for a sports car. Seconds later he has a shiny new red sports car.

Then he asks for a big luxurious house which he gets instantly.
Finally, he asks to be irresistible to women. Poof - he turns into a box of chocolates.

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at their Church.
One leaned over and whispered: "My butt is going to sleep."

Her friend leaned over and said: "I know. I heard it snore three times."

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
A. Rename the folder 'Instruction Manuals'

Two Atoms are having a chat, One says: "I think I've lost an electron" the other says: "Are you sure".

The first replies: "Yeah I'm positive!"

What’s the difference between a man who is late for supper and Henry VIII?

The man who's late misses his chops whereas Henry chops his missus!